I ran out of concealer yesterday morning. I scraped and pawed at the container like a savage hyperventilating bear mauling it’s last honeycomb and finally caked enough under my eyes to fool the outside world into thinking I was not dead. I avoided fluorescent lights at all costs. I had just enough self confidence to stare down the condescending hipster as I drove Judah to school, windows down, Justin Bieber blaring (yeah Judah’s back in love with his song) but not enough to face fluorescent lights. It would have been too much.
By the time I finished slaving over dinner last night, where most of my concealer probably melted into the sauteed vegetables, I felt all wrong. Like when the blinds in one window are askew and you can’t fix them because you’re in someone else’s home.
Oh whatever. That doesn’t bother you?
So for once in my life, instead of raging around the house fixing blinds and sweeping floors (I clean to cope) I took the boys on a walk/jog. We ended up at one of the parks down the street and while Judah dominated the slide without help (honorable mention), Jacob mastered the “punky bars”. A fitting name, I think, for those tricky suckers.
I had a long talk with Josh after the boys went to bed. Bared/bore (?) my soul to him about all the girlie emotions I’d pent up. Bless him. I take this mother thing seriously, not like militant and rigged, but heartfelt serious, you know? It takes a village, but I’m in charge of choosing who’s a part of that village and sometimes it’s a heavy responsibility. Piecing together from here and there, the people who will help shape your kids and knowing that you can’t control everything. Sometimes there will be someone that doesn’t quite fit or a situation that isn’t ideal. And quite frankly, that worries me. I leave Judah in the hands of others for two hours a day, it’s not much, but it’s enough to add or subtract from his little heart. Soon Jacob will probably be sitting under some soccer coach’s order, and while I’ll be there to oversee, it’s still another person we’ll be adding to our village. So I worry. I sit in the bath at nap time, scrub the melted concealer off my cheeks and I worry. And then I realize Josh is right to tell me quit borrowing trouble, that I read into things too much.
I feel a twinge of peace weasel in. This marathon is long, never did I think that would bring peace, but knowing it’s not a race is comforting. You would know why if you ever saw me run. It’s good to plan ahead but to homeschool or not to homeschool – to move or not to move – which therapy or extra curricular, these things have answers that will come in time.
Remind me next time to quit jumping ahead of myself. Remind me that foraging ahead is good, but remind me of the fine line that is balance. I’ll be sure to listen, just after I straighten the blinds. And may we just talk about the humming bird who’s made it’s nest in our rose bush out back? How I told the boys they can’t play back there for fear of disturbing it, but really it’s because I have visions of humming birds dive-bombing our eyes to protect their tiny little eggs? I’m 50/50 on the little guy…It’s cute and amazing, but terrifyingly ninja like.
Any weekend plans? How’s the week been?