They’re cute, it’s their weapon. They draw you in with those gazing eyes and thug life smirks, wielding their powers for world domination like, “Whatever, I own you now”.
Judah had an intense day yesterday. One thing triggered another, triggered fifty things and recovery never fully came until mid-morning today (So thankful it came, rather than drug on for days). Strangely, yesterday I felt deeply successful. Through the tantrums, him hurting himself and lashing out at me, in the volley of emotions, I felt capable. Like, yeah, this is difficult on so many levels, but also, I got this.
It’s funny how parenthood sloshes around an array of emotions, generally in contract with the amount of sleep you’ve had that week, but then sometimes, despite the nonsleep, the randomizer tosses out a winning number. Of course, I don’t really think it’s random. Honestly, I think it’s grace and kindness and it’s perspective.
But yesterday woke me up. Weirdly, in the most uncommon of places to find joy in your kids, in your life, I did. Jacob needed me, to be the human ladder that reached the goldfish on the top shelf, to read him books, to talk nonstop about monster trucks. Judah needed me, to be his stabilizer, to protect him, to force him to eat food because he was hungry but couldn’t. So much needing is normally tiring, it’s normally hard and I am selfish, so it’s typically done with an inward frown and five text messages to friends of “WTH?! Oh my gosh, these kids!”. (Albeit, a valid expression and much needed release of emotion)
But isn’t that how it is? In the uncommon places, you find those pockets of perspective and it fuels your heart to kindness and you remember what this is all about and why you’re doing this.
I think I needed a little shaking. I’ve been struggling a little, trying to dodge the mom-guilt, knowing I’m doing good (making mistakes, yes, but generally, doing my best), but that knowledge never sinking deep enough to nourish. Not for lack of encouraging friends and family, just my own self, you know? So yesterday, it’s over and done with, it was hard and I hated it for Judah, but I am grateful for the times in life when, unexpectedly, you feel like you’ve got this.
I hope in whatever area you need it to, that it sinks in a little more; You got this, you’re good.